Am I Codependent… Or Just A "Healer"? (Let’s Talk About It)

Hey friend,

If you’ve ever found yourself asking, “Why do I feel responsible for everyone’s happiness but my own?” or “Why can I set boundaries in one area like a boss—but crumble into guilt pudding everywhere else?”—take a deep breath. You are not alone. No, you're not just "too sensitive." You might be navigating something called codependency.

Before you run and Google "Is it curable?" (don’t worry, I’ve been there too), let's walk through this gently, with grace, a little humor, and some truth bombs from Melody Beattie’s classic, Codependent No More.

What Even Is Codependency?

In her book, Beattie describes codependency as "a way of being that developed out of necessity—often in response to dysfunction, neglect, or addiction in families." It’s not about being broken or needy—it’s about being wired to survive emotionally intense or unstable environments. You became the helper, the fixer, the peacekeeper because you had to.

But here’s the thing: survival skills are not always life skills. At some point, that emotional juggling act gets VERY heavy.

Common Signs of Codependency (aka, “Is This Me?”)

Let’s do a gentle check-in. You might be dancing with codependency if you:

• Feel responsible for other people’s feelings or outcomes (like their happiness is your job description)

• Apologize excessively, even when you didn’t do anything wrong (“Sorry for existing!”)

• Avoid conflict like it’s lava

• Find it hard to say “no” without spiraling into guilt

• Stay in relationships that drain you because walking away feels like betrayal

• Lose track of who you are outside of being needed

  
  

Beattie writes:

“Codependents are reactionaries. They overreact, underreact, or don’t act at all. They take things too seriously, or not seriously enough.”

No shame if this feels familiar. It’s not a diagnosis—it’s a pattern. One you can heal, grow through, and gently unlearn.

Understanding Codependency

What Causes Codependency?

Codependency often arises from childhood experiences. You might have grown up in a household where emotional support was scarce. This led you to develop coping mechanisms that involved caretaking. It felt like the only way to be loved. Understanding these roots is essential for your healing journey.

The Impact on Relationships

Codependency doesn’t just affect you; it can impact every relationship in your life. You may feel a constant need to please others. This can lead to burnout and resentment. The cycle continues until you recognize the pattern and decide to break free.

So… What Now? (Hint: Therapy Is a Superpower)

Codependency healing isn’t about becoming someone else—it’s about coming home to yourself. Therapy can be a safe landing place where you reconnect with your needs, your voice, and your power.

Here’s how therapy supports your healing:

1. Unpacks the “Why”

   You’ll explore where these patterns started—often in childhood or in past relationships where caretaking = survival.

   
   

2. Strengthens Boundaries (Without Guilt Trips)

   Learning how to say “no” without a 5-paragraph apology email is a game changer. Your therapist can help you get there, step by step.

   
   

3. Rebuilds Identity

   Who are you when you’re not fixing, managing, or peacekeeping? That question gets exciting once healing begins.

   
   

4. Reframes Guilt as Growth

   Guilt isn’t always a red flag—it can be a growing pain. Therapy helps you untangle the difference.

   
   

Book Spotlight: Let’s Read Codependent No More—Together

If you’re feeling called to dive deeper, why not do it in community? I’m hosting a gentle, grace-filled support group book study on Codependent No More. We’ll laugh (probably at ourselves a little), learn, and—most importantly—heal in good company.

This isn’t a “fix yourself” club. It’s a find yourself again space. Pajamas welcome. Side-eye from toxic relatives optional. 😉

Other Resources That Help:

• 🧠 Reflect: Try journaling about the first time you felt responsible for someone else’s emotions.

  
  

• 💬 Reach Out: Look into therapy platforms like Psychology Today, Therapy for Black Girls, Open Path Collective, or Book with me.

  
  

• 🧘🏾‍♀️ Repeat: Boundaries, deep breaths, and reminders: you are not selfish—you’re healing

  
  

Final Thoughts From a Fellow Recovering Fixer

You’re not dramatic. You’re not “too much.” And you don’t need to keep earning love by shrinking or sacrificing yourself.

As Beattie beautifully writes:

“Let the hurt go. Let the anger go. Let the love flow.”

Let’s start there—together.

Join the Conversation

Interested in joining the book study or learning more about codependency recovery?👉 [Click here to join the waitlist] or DM me @kandakewellness for the next session date.

We’re rewriting the story, one boundary and one breakthrough at a time. 💛